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| coming home from college is a weird time. i don't know if i'm taking a break from college, or if college is the break from here. it works both ways i guess. if only these places were collages, so i could mix and match pieces. grab the cut out of freedom, paste it in new york. place my high school friends in saratoga. i mean i'm happy. it just... it would be nice. ideal.
hey 2009. people are expecting things of you. some people... somewhere.
i'm not. so don't worry about disappointing.
i'm rereading these entries and falling in love with myself, and wondering why no one else has yet. then i compared it to all those times i make jokes and am the first and sometimes only person to laugh at them. i considered this further, and realized that wasn't an accurate analogy at all because both situations are kind of exactly the same thing. one day.
i miss words. i've always wanted to keep a journal, a cute ancient looking one. everytime i try (ok, both times i tried... okay, i was 15) i never wound up writing anything interesting. blogging is easier, i can reword my sentences as i write them. i wish i could just spit them out as i'd like them. better after rewording than never, as the saying goes. as a saying goes.
i don't like all the things i can do with this entry. change its font size, bullets, bold, include emoticons or hyperlinks, a picture. tell you what i'm listening to, reading, tag important words, tag other people. i just want to write, for me, for you. i just want words on virtual paper. let's get back to our roots.
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| i feel like my blogging has been pretty depressing lately which isn't a very accurate depiction of how i'm feeling all the time, just when i wake up in the morning and before get out of bed. every other minute of the day i'm pretty good. like, for instance, it's been brought to my attention that i am very talented in several very useful fields. when i was washing dishes at work, my supervisor came over excitedly to tell me i was doing a great job, further demonstrating his pleasure with two thumbs up. and then a couple days ago i was making wraps and not one, not two, but THREE different people complimented me on my wrap-making abilities. move over, harry potter; there's another tyrant of useless skills coming through!
speaking of harry potter (as if we're ever NOT speaking of harry potter) last night at around one while i'm (not) doing my homework, one of my roommates complains about how netflicks takes so long and she wants a movie right NOW. she tells me she needs a harry potter fix, and then i mention the library and before the worsd ever leave my mouth the both of us are scrambling to put on our shoes, forget about socks, grab the nearest sweatshirt and keys and within minutes we are rushing back to our room and slip in harry potter and the order of the phoenix. and the BEST part is, right when any dialogue is about to happen we engage in a heated discussion about how the tone of the book got very very dark right at the end of the fourth book, and how reading the books as they came out made you feel like you grew up with them and how it may have impacted others differently if they read it at once, and how if someone just watched all the movies and didn't read any of the books they wouldn't understand a SINGLE THING about what's going on, and why is dudley dressed so ghetto? pretty much everything we discussed on that glorious day of our harry potter marathon, with now new input. it's little things like this that sometimes reassure you that despite all the chipmunks that you thought were deformed mini squirrels and views out your window that look like something bob ross might have painted, you are in the right place.
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| i cut all kinds of onions during work, red white scallions and i didn't shed a single tear until my parents came to visit. i'm a big baby. when i was in the car driving around with them for a second i felt like they were strangers and it was really scary. no one is having as hard a time as i am, but i think that's because they're not keeping as much contact as i am (and my mom would say even this is not enough) but also maybe because their parents had an easier time letting go. some animal parents give their all to their babies until the babies are ready to hold their own and then they lose all sense of parental affection. does this make humans weaker or stronger? okay.
i don't have a love life as much as i do periods of self preservation.
i'm listening to a lot of ska.
sometimes the best feeling you'll have all day is right after you pee.
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| sometimes after having dreams about being in new york i wake up in my dorm and am SO disappointed but also i think i'm late for class no i guess i have enough time to brush my teeth and blog, but it's still a panicky feeling that i can't escape. i need to call my mom even though when she called me last night and asked me why i hadn't called her when i had lunch or dinner i rolled my eyes and didn't reply and then she hung up. but i need to call her now because i feel like she might think i've forgotten her which is the worst feeling, thinking you've been forgotten, and it's the worst thing to be forgotten. if everyone forgets you were you even alive in the first place? but i called her now and i think she is sad and i feel so bad and fuck i've gotta go to class now and i didn't do the reading. | | |
| we had to read the bible for classical mythology (ha) last week, genesis 1-3. when i got the part that's like... wait let me find it:
- "So she took some of its fruit and ate it; and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.
- 7
- Then the eyes of both of them were opened,"
and all i could think when i read this was, OH MY GOD adam and eve got high. legit. you know it's true. you know that feeling, when you're really fucking blazed, that all of a sudden you can understand EVERYTHING. things you didn't even know you couldn't understand when you're sober. things that never even occurred you. it's a beautiful feeling. first god tried to keep it from us, and now the government. some things never change.
i should be writing a six page essay ("a short one," my professor said. "really short.") but here i am on xanga. some things never change.
hey i miss you guys.
we get high in bathrooms and parks.
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